Standing Orders
When chairs begin vanishing from a corporate office, productivity mysteriously improves. As the building empties of furniture and complaints alike, a silent figure continues their work — and the company stands behind it. A tale of optimization, obedience, and very tired legs.
CONFIDENTIAL: INTERNAL DISTRIBUTION ONLY
Subject: Ongoing Incidents of Chair Disappearance
From: Facilities Management
To: All Staff
Date: March 4
It has come to our attention that 17 ergonomic office chairs have gone missing from Floors 3 through 7. Security footage shows no signs of forced entry. Desks remain untouched. If you have information regarding the chairs, please contact Facilities immediately.
Until further notice, employees are encouraged to bring personal seating or conduct work while standing.
MINUTES: Emergency Efficiency Taskforce
Date: March 6
Attendees: K. Ramirez (Productivity), L. Wong (HR), M. Feldman (Facilities), D. Patel (Legal)
- Standing productivity increased by 11.6% since chair loss began.
- Average meeting length has dropped from 53 minutes to 14 minutes.
- Employee complaints reduced. Morale "surprisingly stable."
- Proposal: Do not replace chairs. Reallocate budget to performance bonuses.
Motion carried.
INTEROFFICE MEMO
Subject: Expansion of Chair-Free Policy
From: Office of Workplace Optimization (OWO)
Date: March 10
Effective immediately, all remaining chairs are to be surrendered to Facilities. This includes conference rooms, break areas, and lavatory stalls with seating. Exceptions require Director-level sign-off and a submitted Seating Justification Form (SJF-22).
Thank you for standing with us.
INCIDENT REPORT #447
Filed By: M. Feldman (Facilities)
Date: March 15
At 02:46 AM, security footage shows a tall figure in a gray hoodie silently removing the final chair from the sub-basement archive room. No alarms triggered. Subject looked directly at Camera 7B and nodded once.
Chair was a discontinued model ("TranquilSpine X2"). Considered sentimental by Records Department.
EMPLOYEE PETITION
Subject: Request to Reintroduce Limited Seating
Signatures: 43
"Standing is making my knees click." — Anonymous "People keep fainting near the elevators." — Floor 5 Team Lead
RESPONSE: Denied. Consider gel insoles.
QUARTERLY REPORT SUMMARY
Q2 Performance Overview
- Task completion rate: +28%
- Sick days: −14%
- Accidental naps: 0
Conclusion: The removal of chairs has contributed to a net positive in performance metrics. Standing fatigue now considered a feature, not a flaw.
ANNOUNCEMENT: Chair-Free Workplace Certification
From: OWO
We are pleased to announce that as of April 1st, our offices are officially recognized as a Level 4 Chair-Free Environment by the Center for Upright Work (CUW).
A commemorative plaque (no mounting seat) will be unveiled in the lobby.
FINAL MEMO (UNSENT DRAFT)
Found in the desk drawer of M. Feldman (Facilities), post-resignation
I saw him again last night.
He carried no tools. Just calm. Always calm.
Every chair he takes leaves something behind — silence, posture, resolve. We thought he was a thief. But he is something older. Something corrective.
We never questioned why we sat.
Now, no one remembers how.