Advanced Boy Scout Tactics (Unverified)
When a hike goes wrong, Jim remembers one survival tip and responds to a snakebite the only way he knows how: by spinning his arm like a man trying to confuse venom with physics. It’s not in the Boy Scout handbook—but maybe it should be.
Jim had one rule when hiking: do not die.
It was a simple rule, easy to follow, and had served him well for 34 years. He had broken many rules in his life—speed limits, tax laws, the unspoken social contract that says you shouldn’t microwave fish at work—but never this one.
Which is why it was deeply inconvenient when a rattlesnake decided to ruin everything.
Jim didn’t even see it at first. One second, he was stepping over a rock, enjoying the solitude of nature, and the next, his forearm was being actively poisoned by a sentient tube of spite.
The snake, apparently satisfied with its work, released its grip, flicked its tongue in what Jim could only assume was a rude gesture, and slithered off to go terrorize something else.
Jim stared at the two puncture marks on his arm, his brain firing through a high-speed mental checklist:
- Rattlesnake venom spreads through the bloodstream.
- The bloodstream is in the body.
- Jim is in possession of a body.
- This is bad.
His phone had zero bars, because of course it did, and the nearest hospital was at least ten miles away, which, at his current pace, meant he’d get there just in time for the coroner to sign the paperwork.
Jim needed a plan.
And that’s when his brain, in a rare moment of unfiltered genius, recalled something from his emergency survival book:
“If venom spreads through circulation, minimize circulation.”
Jim looked at his bitten arm. He looked at the open space around him. He looked at his arm again.
There was only one logical course of action.
It was so simple.
Jim just had to outmaneuver his own bloodstream.
He had to whip the venom out.
Jim took a deep breath. He crouched slightly, raised his arm, and with every ounce of strength his panicked body could summon, he swung it in a massive, high-speed circular motion.
WHHHRRRRRRRRRRRRR
His arm began carving wide loops through the air like he was trying to land a plane with semaphore flags.
It hurt immediately.
His shoulder popped on the third rotation.
By the sixth, his elbow was grinding in a way that suggested future regret.
By the eighth, his wrist had gone numb, which felt either promising or deeply concerning.
Jim pushed through.
He kept spinning. He was pretty sure his technique was improving. He had no evidence for this, but he felt like if someone filmed it and added slow motion and dramatic music, it would look extremely cool.
A nearby squirrel paused to watch. Then ran.
After about a minute, he staggered to a stop.
Blood was leaking slowly from the wound. Nothing dramatic. Just a faint, watery trickle that he immediately decided was definitely venom, and not just sweat and poor decisions.
His arm was on fire. His shoulder was locked at a weird angle. But he was still standing.
And he had not died.
Jim made it back to town a few hours later—sweaty, lopsided, and walking like a man who had recently fought his own rotator cuff and lost in split decision.
At the clinic, he explained what happened.
“I spun the venom out.”
The nurse blinked. “You… spun it out?”
“Like a centrifuge,” Jim clarified, as though that made it better.
The doctor examined him. Bite looked mild. Swelling was contained. Vitals were decent.
They called it a “dry bite.” Said he probably didn’t get much venom.
Jim nodded politely.
But he knew.
He had seen the drip.
Somewhere in the desert, a rattlesnake coiled beneath a rock, haunted by the memory of a man who—when bitten—responded not with fear, but by violently flailing like he was trying to shake off an invisible raccoon.
It had seen prey flee, freeze, panic. Never spin.
Somewhere, a chipmunk retells the tale to its children.
And somewhere, in a manila folder labeled “Incidents – Unexplained,” Jim’s medical file still reads:
“Patient attempted venom removal via aggressive arm rotation. Shoulder strain noted. Possibly effective???”